UENO-SENSEI ICONS FINALLY POSTED HERE @ rosesnotafad

YOU'RE WELCOME.

FIRST DAY OF SCHOOL TODAY. YES THAT'S RIGHT. FIRST DAY. I was really seriously nervous/excited/jumpy about last night which is going to lead to me copying Morgan's structure in all of this JUST SO THAT I DON'T GET OFF TANGENT. ...sadly, I realize this is alot easier said than done. Let's hope this works.

...MORGAN I'M SORRY FOR STEALING. (I just can't really function right now and YOUR ENTRIES ALWAYS LOOK SO PRETTY AND I WANT TO COPY. It's a form of flattery I swear. GOD I'M BABBLING. SOMEONE SHOOT ME.)

And ha ha FUCK YOU LJ-CUT.

Srsly now:

M O R N I N G;
0554 HOURS

You want to know why I woke up so goddamn early, you can ask my little sister. She's starting eighth grade this year and so she's in Advanced Band, which is nice and all. I'm actually pretty proud of her. She worked hard to get there, and I mean really hard. Mom bought her a flute for her birthday this year and everything. She's been pretty serious into it up until now.

Here's the thing: the school district is bloody retarded and so my sister can't take both Advanced Band and Japanese 2 in the same school day. They're both locked classes at third period. So the administration - wise and enlightened as it is - decided that the best way to solve this problem (For about thirty kids no doubt) was to give them Beginning Band. YEAH, I'M SERIOUS. REAL BRIGHT, I KNOW. My mother almost through a fit, since her instrument is pretty much brand new and Syd (that's my sister) definitely didn't need to putz around with it for all the effort she's put it. So, the only solution was for Sydney to have it zero period, which starts at six fifty or something stupid like that.

We live ten miles away from school.

That's a thirty minute commute out every day as is.

And now? It's a thirty minute commute that begins with us in the car (not waking up, not getting dressed, not taking a shower, not having breakfast, but literally tearing out of the goddamn garage) by six thirty in the fucking morning. IT'S BLOODY FUCKED IS WHAT IT IS.

Ms. Takanikos' really peeved though, so it looks like we'll only have to do this every day this week, and then every other day of every week onward. What I mean is we'll take her every day of this week, and then every week after this one we'll only take her on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays. It sounds really confusing the way I'm wording it, but I swear it's not. IT SOUNDS RIGHT IN MY HEAD IT REALLY DOES.

...but doing this every day this week has the potential to kill me.

And I mean hard.

Anyway, waking up wasn't so bad because Sydney woke up before me so everything went very gradually and I was allowed to sort of get up at my own pace. My head hurt like a bitch (still does), but it was okay after I got dressed. (The sound of my heels can usually wake my up pretty well. They're good heels.) Put my iPod on, which helped me get myself adjusted (Sum 41 at five in the morning, how bad can I get?) - Mom had printed out the CliffNotes on Catcher In The Rye for me since I liked it fine, I guess, but I didn't get it as much as I would've liked which I found vaguely pitiful. It made me feel kind of really stupid if you want to know the truth but hell, that doesn't mean I want to flunk the test.

I ate one of those WAY TOO GOOD cheese, turkey bacon, egg, bagel sandwiches and got in the car, and then we were flying to school.

Mom and I stopped at Starbuck's after dropping Syd off and I got my first Vanilla Creme of the school year. We bought a paper, as always, and read the advice columns out loud.

I still think Dear Abby is the biggest dumbshit on the face of the earth, but it wasn't Tuesday or Friday so I didn't have any Caroline Hax to assuage myself with. (I adore her. I really do.) This resulted in me getting out of the car faster than I usually have a tendency to on first days. I got to see De Ruysscher tear into the parking lot, though. We were that early. Bloody Christ he drives fast in the parking lot. Scared the living hell out of me until I saw who it was.

I mean, I'd feel worst about traumatizing him if he happened to hit me and I made this huge bloody indentation in his windshield, but I think that of anyone on campus who could do it if it absolutely had to happen I'd want it to be De Ruysscher. I mean, even if it killed me, I'd probably find the whole thing hilariously funny if De Ruysscher did it.

I swear I think this way all the time.

I swear I do.

It's a little fucked, but I enjoy myself.

Anyway, I ended up getting out of the car about twenty minutes before the first bell was supposed to ring and going through the halls to the front of the building. It was kind of a pompous thing to do, really - I'm a showoff in every sense of the world, and I really wanted to see everybody and give them hugs and have them say how much they missed me and tell me my hair looked so cute or whatever. I'm such a whore it's ridiculous. That's pretty much exactly what happened, of course - sadly, I'm usually right about those kinds of things, which I think makes me even more of a whore.

But hey, whatever.

I got hugs from Danny, Scott and Alyssa before I got to the front of the building which is where I was headed. Ever since I was a freshman, I've met people right out in front of school almost every morning. It's pretty much the same group of people - it usually includes Kate and them and almost never includes Sam or Scarlett. I don't know why, that's just the way it's always been. I like routine. Almost anywhere I ever go for a long period of time, I have a really specific routine that I tend to adhere to unless something big comes up. I always go to meet people somewhere specific, and I always go to the same exact place around the same exact time and I do it almost every day of the year. I don't know why. It's just what I do.

Anyway, from there, it was an interesting business figuring out how to read my schedule once I knew that the whole goddamn campus had decided to finally change all the room numbers so that everything finally makes sense, which would be really awesome if they'd done it from the damn beginning. It means that practically everyone looked like a freshman at some point in the day today, even though most of us hate ourselves for it, as we should. Alot of floundering, I guess.

Not on my part really, but hey. I try.

I got to Correia's class without much issue, once I was halfway there. Amanda took me, so even being lost was really okay. I adore Amanda. She's warm and sweet-smelling and puppyish in the very best way. It delights me.

The best part of the morning was absolutely when Scarlett looked happy to see both of us and didn't rip anyone limb from limb. I really thought she was going to atleast spit like a cat when Sam walked up, but she didn't. She was really sincerely glad to see us - both of us - and it felt so amazingly good.

The whole world was alright, right then.

C O R R E I A;
HISTORY, PERIOD !

Correia wasn't drop-dead funny the way I think De Ruysscher is, but I seriously like him. Liked him the minute I walked in. I mean it. He's a little goofy, I guess, but he can still make me laugh in a good way that isn't "wow I'm really obviously sucking up"-ish. I really hate doing that, but alot of the time it just comes out anyway because for a second I do find it funny, but just for a second and then it dissipates and the laugh takes too long to go away. And then everyone's looking at me and I feel like I just told everyone I got my penis burnt off when I was a baby and so my parents raised me as a girl. (I watched a program about a guy who had that happened, once. Totally fucked him up. I felt pretty bad for him. Looked bloody frigging awful.)

...I'm sounding like Holden and it's pissing me off. DAMN YOU EVOLVING WRITING STYLE. Anyway, Correia didn't embarrass me for liking him and finding him more than relatively decent as teachers go, and that was a definite plus. I'm sure I'll like this class this year; I'm kind of intimidated by the whole "you lead the seminar" thing and GOD THE READING I HATE READING FOR SCHOOL AND NO ONE AGREES WITH ME THAT BUSY WORK IS MORE ENTERTAINING but I'm sure I'll be alright. It's an area of history that doesn't necessarily interest me but I'm sure that'll change, since it's not anything I'm well-versed in. Everything should be fine.

He took the whole class to explain the syllabus which didn't bother me at the time.

But then, it was only first period and I hadn't exactly remembered how this all worked yet.

(I surprise myself with how blissfully unaware of obvious truth I tend to be.)

Q U A L E;
ENGLISH, PERIOD !!

I've always had a distant amount of affection for Quale, but having him really affirms it. AH, MY WONDERFULLY EFFEMINATE ENGLISH TEACHER WHO IS SIX FEET TALL AND YET PROBABLY THE CUTEST MALE INDIVIDUAL I HAVE EVER COME IN CONTACT WITH. He loves poetry, and whenever he talks it's like you're listening to him prance all over some field filled with poppies and tulips. I'm not kidding. (GOD HOLDEN STOP INFLUENCING MY WRITING. GRR.) It's freaking delightful. I'm totally serious. It's one of the most delightful things you'll ever encounter in the whole of your life. He seems almost boyishly shy and quiet a lot of the time - I really can't help but grin half the time, just because he brightens up the atmosphere around him. It's bloody infectious and lovely.

(If you can't tell, I already REALLY REALLY like this class; Sam said I would, and I've got to say THE GIRL IS ALWAYS RIGHT. Knows me well, at any rate, in the very best of ways.)

Quale was pretty good about just about everything; he had us fill something out about ourselves instead of making us listen to any requirements, which he assured us we'd get enough of the rest of the day. (Trust me, we did.) He's planning to give us that lecture Wednesday, which I assume is to ease us into things. I didn't mind it then, and I don't mind it now. I guess I could just keep my mouth shut half the time. I swear, I walked in and I just started bursting at the seams. I wanted to talk and do all the obnoxious-stuff I'm infamous for, and truthfully I just ended up making myself feel like a know-it-all. I went all cynical and over-intelligent on the application's ass, even, for God's sake.

No offense to her, or anything, but I seriously felt like Tara when I'm willing her to just please shut the hell up and not embarrass herself by over-talking something I know she's already overthought. I seriously adore Tara but I don't like to sound like her, because I don't feel like I have the brain or the charisma to back up sounding that full of myself and I know she does.

A little awkward as it were.

But life goes on.

B R E A K;
1048 HOURS

I almost forgot to go to break, but I went when I remembered and I went the same place I always do and always have.

Like I said - I have a place for ever single 'unoccupied' slot in my day. The table out under the first mulberry tree coming into the quad's always been ours and that's not going to change any time soon. (But God graduation's coming way to fast. I'm serious. I can't be the only one feeling inexplicably aged here. I mean, Juniors? Us? I seriously thought it was fucking hilarious sounding the first time I said it. And now I just think its really terrifying.) Mari was there waiting up for everyone with Arem and Tanya - she's back this year and I'm really grateful. I don't know why, but I find her presence just ridiculously comforting. It was Arem's birthday and I think Tanya's too but she might've just taken one of his balloon and said it was.

...I doubt it though. Tanya's not really that kind of person. (I mean, she is if it's obvious she's kidding but she seemed serious enough about it. She was wearing the most adorable hoodie today with these little whales spouting hearts out their blowholes on it. It was so cute.)

Break's really short so I didn't really do anything but celebrate Mari's return and Tanya's adorable clothing and facial expressions.

But it was nice anyway.

D E R U Y S S C H E R;
Yearbook/Journalism, Period !!!!

I love De Ruysscher like I love no other teacher on campus. It's actually pretty ridiculous how much I like him - I really felt a thousand times more comfortable walking into that classroom than I have ever been walking into any other classroom on the Mira Loma campus in the history of ever. He and Leister are almost identical entities in my mind. I really find him that wonderful super-duper. He makes me laugh too hard and it's so comfortable and relaxing and nice, even though he usually makes me laugh by being witty and sarcastic and rude, be it to me or other people. I'm perfectly okay with it and I want to be in his class every year for the rest of my life.

...just don't tell him I said so.

To better inform the group, De Ruysscher was my English teacher Freshman year, so I was expecting him to be a lot more of a hardass, but he's really a pretty easygoing Journalism teacher. It's actually pretty remarkable how much his teaching style differs between the two classes, but I'm really honestly perfectly alright with it. Dead serious. I actually think I'll end up liking both the classes equally, just in different ways. It's all about appreciating both styles of teaching, and it's De Ruyyscher. Seriously, it's ludicrous how much my mood benefits just from being in the same freaking room with him. I get into a crazy good mood, I really do. I get giddy just talking about it. (I'm serious - it's just ludicrous how much I like his classes. It really is.)

He went over everything pretty much the same way Correia did, going over everything personal in a lot more detail than he did much else. He went over it fast though, presumably to make it as painless as possible. Lots of people drag that kind of thing on way longer than they ever need to - it's not just teachers, either. It's your parents, it's your boss at work, sometimes your friends do it, even. Like they think that by dragging you over the same patch of dirt for as long as they can, you'll somehow come up and now more than there is to know about whatever the hell they just dragged you through. I really just think that's the biggest pain in the ass. De Ruyyscher whipped right the hell through it. Bing, bang, boom. Here are the rules you need to follow, follow them. The end. Short, sweet, and to the point. Like the way I can't write for the life of me.

Then we had an interview assignment to get to know our classmates better, and to start exploring our abilities as reporters. It was actually pretty cool. We all got a laugh out of it, regardless. I met a pretty cool senior guy on the edge of class named Cory; he's eighteen years old, like eel sushi, enjoys driving cars really fast in his spare time (even though he doesn't have any right now), and if he could be any animal he wanted he would be a wolf so he could scare the shit out of Animal Patrol. That idea in particular really seemed to appeal to him. I got the feeling he was handling a lot more responsibility right now than anyone around him was. It was kind of weird to see him act like a highschool kid and still have those kind of mature things hanging around his head. I really liked him - he was definitely an okay guy.

M I K O S E N S E I;
Japanese, Period *

...okay. I have to temporarily take back what I said about De Ruysscher. I love him more than any teacher on campus excepting Miko-sensei. I've got to say for the record that I really adore Miko-sensei in a way I adore no one else. If Mr. Quale is the cutest male individual I've ever met, Miko-sensei is the cutest female. She's really adorable, I'm not joking. She's insanely cute. Ask anyone. I guess that most of the time she feels more like she's family to me than one of my teachers, and I really just love every minute in that class. It makes me unbelievably happy in a class when the teacher seems to enjoy the fact that I'm there, makes me feel like I can really achieve anything I put my mind to. Miko-sensei's just like that. I always try to do the best I can, just because I absolutely hate to disappoint her to the exact same extent that I love to make her proud of me.

The only reason why I would ever say I like De Ruysscher's class better is because the classroom environment itself sometimes takes the edge off of just how much I adore my sensei. Like I said, I'm a total attention whore; I love to be the best, I love to be the teacher's pet, I'm really competitive and winning is by far one of my favorite pass times. I have trouble sometimes in Japanese because of this actually. I get so sucked into being the best and not humiliating myself in front of my sempai who I always want to prove myself to, who I always want to somehow outdo, that I sometimes totally lose sight of everything. Take last year for example: I got totally sidetracked by this competition I made up in my head between me and Warda, who would always score better than me on tests. It actually made me do worse when I was competing with her rather than when I finally let it go because she sat near me and I just loved her. (She was totally the sweetest thing.) It was crazy.

Anyway, this year, we have two new students who have come directly from Japan ontop of the one that we already had (Yuka-sempai), and I think I'm really going to have to keep myself in check so as to not get territorial or stupid about it. I have a tendency to do that, you all know I do. Julian-sempai, I seriously was most awed (and slightly irritated) by him the very most, because atleast the other new student seemed to be semi-Japanese. I'm not being racist or anything, it just somehow makes me swell with jealousy when someone white speaks Japanese and it's better than mine. I really do. It's fucking ridiculous. I do like him, though. He doesn't seem to like us much, but it doesn't bother me. I'm sure I wouldn't either if I knew the language backwards and front.

Miko-sensei passed out the same syllabus she did last year and went over it in approximately five minutes. Then she had us do kanji review which was pretty depressing just because of how much of it I didn't remember. I'm really going to have to study my ass off as soon as we get our books. I think I'm going to start taking my kanji workbook out on a bi-weekly basis and just work through what I can. Maybe I can get sensei to assign me extra work.

...I seriously wrote that with a smile on my face.

Something's wrong with me.

Before lunch, I talked to sensei about being a TA. (That's a "temp" where you come from, bloodnblack, though I still don't understand why that word works. SOMEHOW IT DOES I GUESS? Maybe for you too Rin...??) She approved immediately and it made me bubble all the way through the duration of the school day. It was lovely.

L U N C H;
???? HOURS

We eat during lunch at the same table most of us gather around during break. We call it our table because it really is, but in years past - last year specifically - we had a bunch of sophomores trying to steal it out from under us sometimes, which was just way more drama than I felt like dealing with this early in the year. So I got Sam to run and get me lunch (she was really nice about it) while I kept the table reserved, by which I mean spread all my stuff all over the seat and lay down on my back on top of it and read a book I've read too many times already. It wasn't exactly comfortable, but it definitely worked.

Sam came back with some of the most expensive but very best tasting Chinese food I've ever had from somewhere that isn't a sit down restaurant. It reminded me of Pearl House and it was bloody excellent, and I honestly think I might have to run for the cart to get any tomorrow. It was seriously that good. I'm pretty sure they're going to sell out of it damn fast from now on, but I don't plan on letting anyone get any of my or Sam's share. Or Scarlett's if she wants any. And maybe even if she doesn't. She can share. It'll be good for the group dynamic.

The atmosphere came out really well, actually - I said already I'm always just very comfortable when Mari and Tanya and Arem and them are around. Somehow it just makes everything feel alright. It could be just because they're older than we are; I don't know, actually. It's just really nice. And Scarlett and Sam were still getting on pretty swimmingly which was just great. We all talked among ourselves - it sounds like Mari had a lousy summer, but she is into the Twilight series much to my delight, and we screamed and fangirled really loudly about it for a solid five minutes. And I mean really loudly. I'm pretty sure the whole school heard. If you guys think I'm loud, you should hear me when I'm with someone just as loud. It's pretty crazy.

A D A M S;
Counseling TA, Period *!

I spent this whole period running around getting transferred so that my schedule said that I was a TA in Kumagai's (Miko-sensei's) class during fifth period. The closest we ever got was having me as her TA in seventh. It was a pain in the ass - it was pretty much a straight hour of me running back and forth between two classroom, finding different elaborate ways into the counseling office since the front door was locked and they weren't answering it for any reason (yeah, great idea guys), and having different people criticizing one another via me. Not very pleasant.

I don't really want to talk about it.

The only really productive thing that happened this period was that I got to have a really very nice, serious conversation with Tanya and Summer about college. I felt really obnoxious for even participating at all, but they really weren't mean about it at all. I really like both of them (and there's that whole "I LOOK UP TO YOU BECAUSE YOU ARE MY ELDER" thing going on) so it was really just very pleasurable for me. I've been really thinking about what Morgan's been saying about the University of Wisconsin and the University of Michigan, and I really do need to go somewhere with an excellent Japanese program, seeing that I've pretty much decided to major in it. And going to college with Morgan would be really motherfucking awesome, excuse my Parseltongue. They pretty much supported me thinking about it, which I actually needed now that I think about it.

I'm still not sure what Mom'll think.

But just Tanya and Summer justifying such a comment with a response was enough for me.

...I'm being a n00b about it, I seriously am.

But it really was very pleasant.

C A R S O N;
Environmental Systems, Period *!!

I was about twenty minutes late for this class thanks to my "RUN EVERYWHERE WITH EVERYONE TELLING YOU YOU'RE WRONG" escapades with Ms. Adams and Ms. Laura Lord (who's room smells fricking awesome, by the way) and so the most I really got out of the beginning was the tail-end of what I think were probably instructions as to how to fill out his personal contact cards. I've had Carson a few times now, so I'm sure I did okay, but he's really anal about stuff like that. (I actually used to like him the same way I like De Ruysscher now, and I still do like him alright but he reminds me more and more of a chipmunk every time I see him. It's a little weird.)

He started us right out on a group project, since he already knew almost everyone in the world - it'll be shortlived, we'll probably finish it tomorrow. But it's all panning out really enjoyably. It's all oriented about the science I like to study: the human impact on the environment, the problems that are affecting us because of the damage we've done, ecetra, ecetra. I'm sure I'll have a ball.

And then the bell rang and we were out and Sam was off and Scarlett walked me to my car and I gave her a kiss on the cheek goodbye and I was - whoosh! - gone.

Crazy sort of day.

But the good sort of crazy.

I'd talk about hip hop, but I'm so bad I don't think it's worth doing much more than mentioning it. I really like it though. I'm going to work hard to get better, because I really like it. Even the perfectionist in me likes it, and it's good.

I've been actually pretty good about picking up my phone today, though, and it's resulted in a few dampers to the joy.

Pepper's grandfather's dying, for instance. I get the feeling it's really ripping him up, and I feel horrible about it.

And Devin's apparently going to Casa Roble.

I know. Shocked me too.

(I should sleep. I'm fricking exhausted.)

Bah.

Life.

I'm tired of myself, and I'm tired of making her tired of me.

Something has to change, and if she won't believe in me (and why should she? I've given no one any reason lately to trust or have faith in me,) then I'm going to have to regain my own confidence first.

It's time I started taking moderately good care of myself.

I'm through with this shit, and I won't lose.

It was hard to stop crying before I decided that.

But I'm not going to lose.

Not this time.

(Not if it kills me.)

For better or for worse I don't know when I'll be at school next.

(I'm serious.)

Thoughts are welcome, be they by phone or comment page.




Scarlett;

Did you get your phone back, dear?

Kamikaze Girls has me Japanese-ing out the ass. YOU BETTER BE THE MOMOKOxICHIGO HAS IT GOING ON. SRSLY NOW. I WANT A YANKI GARUFURENDOOO.

I'm going to be gone skiing for most of the day tomorrow and if I get a sunburn I swear I will choke a bitch. FujihowdidyougetmehookedonthatphraseHOW. But when I get back I might be busy too SINCE SCAR AND SAM WANT TO GET TOGETHER TO PLAY THAT ONE GAME AT SCAR'S PLACE AND I WOULD LOVE TO GO SINCE IT WOULD (OMG) TOGETHER TIME THAT WE NEVER EVER GET EVERRRR.

...and then it's off to.

You guessed it.


DISNEYLAND.


So for Wednesday and Thursday I might hopefully be MIA and from Friday morning to latelatelate!Monday evening I definitely will be. Because my agent sucks. SO GET YOUR FILL OF ME WHILE YOU CAN, I GUESS.



Sam, Scarlett;

If I can come, what do you say to a day filled with pigging out on sugar and lard, and a movie marathon paired with video games...? I'M SO BRINGING THE CLOSER. SAM, FROM WHAT I'VE HEARD FROM YOU ABOUT LEON I AM SO RIGHT IN MY ASSUMPTION THAT YOU WILL LOVE BRENDA TO DEATH.

Also - details are Scarlett's house from what time to what time? IF WE'RE TALKING A SLEEPOVER I WILL STILL TRY MY HARDEST TO COME. SRSLY.

(I'll leave my phone on for you, tomorrow. Much love.)



8 days until my birthday.

PS: OKAY, NEW LINKIN PARK PREMIERE, WEIRD BUT LOVE IT LOVE IT, THOUGHTS PLEASE Y/N.

STATUS;

Loreen/Seton fic - 2%

I HAVEN'T FINISHED COPYING IT OUT OF THE NOTEBOOK YET WHY DO YOU FAIL ME SO UTTERLY, DEVIANTART.

...but at the same time.



THANKYOU SAM FOR EXISTING YOU MAKE LIFE BETTER.

10 9 days until my birthday.

What dad keeps saying is that I can't go to that show Sam wants to come see, and that's frustrating but I don't know exactly what to do about it seeing that I'm way too damn tired to argue. I'm starting to find it hard to talk to you, Sam, since I'm just worried about annoying you sometimes. Since I do find myself rather annoying.

I'm not sad right now, so it's really just a statement, so don't take offense or anything, I just feel like I'm walking on eggshells whenever we're together. As if the very worst thing I could ever do would be to say the wrong thing about something you wish I didn't talk about as much as I do. (Though, admittedly, there are alot of things I talk about too much because I don't have anything else to put my energy into - I give you that. I guess we both wish I was better rounded.)

I feel like that's why the conversation tends to fade and dead end? (If you have a better idea I'd love to know, since I think that talking about something with substance might be the key solution.)

I got AIM back up, since I'm becoming less averse to actually dealing with the people I care about (THANKYOU GOD, I BELIEVE YOU EXIST AND ARE THE REASON MY DEPRESSION IS LIFTING MAYBESORTAKINDAINAWEIRDSORTOFWAYNOTSOMUCH) and I've started singing again, which is a good sign. Pepper and I have started talking again, and Kim and I fangirled Cats which I have never gotten a chance to fangirl before, even though I know quite alot about it. Pepper wants me to come to his junior prom, which I think is sweet, and I'm going to try and see if I can somehow arrange it, because I'd like to.

(Rush hour / at the days dawning. / The rain came / and pushed me under the awning. / And the puddles grew and threw themselves at me / with the ever passing car I'm / shielding my guitar and there were / some things that I / did not tell him there were / certain things he did not / need to know / and there were / some days when I / did not love him and he / didn't understand me and I don't know why / I didn't go / I expected / Summer / to be there in the morning / I awoke to the alarm / but she was out of arm's reach / sneaking out / on silent thighs / that were spent and sore from the hot nights which / came before.)

Ani Difranco, I totally love you.

I still have to write my article for the newspaper in English and I'm not looking forward to it because that's not the job I wanted and everyone knows it. (It's not the job I am most capable of doing. Ms. Hall why the hell are you such an asshat. I AM PETULANT, WHAT AN ACCURATE STATEMENT. -BATS EYELASHES-) I have Chemistry homework thatIdon'tknowhowtodo too, so I'm really not very happy about it, but all in all I think it would be best to do that before going to...

...that's right.



AND YOU BETTER BET I AM LOOKING FORWARD TO IT LIKE NOTHING ELSE. INTERNETORNOINTERNETIGETTOGOONTHEPOTCRIDEANDIAMGOINGTOHAVEABLAST.

So yeah. ...homework. I should probably get on that. -smacks forhead-

I wonder what Scar's doing for break.

I totally want to read that manuscript. Christ.


[EDIT]



TOLD YOU MORGAN TOLD YOU TOLD YOU. XDDDD AVERYONETHINKINEEDAGAYFRIEND.

You know you've lowered their expectations enough when your parents look like they're going to cry out of pure joy when you are spotted voluntarily doing your homework.

(I think I've really fucked up this time. Time to turn the bus around, shithole.)

My Town
Buddy Wakefield

The first time my town saw the sky

It sucker-punched us in the throat

Left us breathless

Said

"I'm gunna keep you awake some nights

without touching you.

You'll make it up -

the pain.

You always do."

Now my town only buys Drowsy Formula Sky.

Otherwise, it gets too big -

the sky -

like when we were three.

Before we realized

we have balls.

Okay? The sky does not.

Therefor, we have bigger balls than the sky.

Please,

don't talk to us about upside down hot air balloons.

Where rational conversations and big pictures are concerned we have no time for getting

wrapped

up.

We are not little presents for your sky.

We are just right.

Far right.

And cute

Like three-year-olds

Like the book about bunny suicides

Cute like

Old Yeller

Just 'fore he got shot in the rabies.

A good actor that dog.

My town was born way off the mark

Sometimes we see it coming

The mark

So we shoot it

With spitwads

Or

Precision-guided fallic symbols.

Every time there is talk of war people give me reasons why their town will be bombed first.

It's a souped-up sense of self importance buck-o

Everyone knows

My Town?

Will be bombed first

Because once

We planned the construction

of a nuclear power plant

right here in the same fields where our military children

now carry out covert orders to keep the word 'dumb' alive.

Religion?

Y'all it has a hard time workin' here.

It makes us believe that even when we are alone somebody's watching us.

Now? We're all narcissists.

We have a habit of giving other people's gifts

To ourselves

But atleast our children still get their confidence booster shots while our fathers

perform voice reduction surgery to keep our cries for help

mime-sized

While our mothers are bending infinity in half so that our families can continue to talk

in circles while we all burn our tongues while we drink

hot cocoa for the same reason

everyone here wants to hug the ocean

because it's just so much.

My Town knows that there is something so big inside of all of us

we have to suck

just to distract you from being directly overwhelmed by our real power

the kind of power that makes you smile.

Everybody knows that smiling

is for little girls

the gays

and certain kind of fish

who are smiling by accident.

The shortcuts My Town has taken has gotten us so far ahead of ourselves?

We've actually fallen behind.

Would've been better off learning to

herd turtles into bomb shelters on a moments notice

giggling at the fact that we will

all

now

die

and it's gunna happen so fast.

We will never have been anything but really cute

Like our three-year-olds

Who use folding chairs to beat lambs within inches of their lives.

My Town?

Is inches tall.

It's why the sky looks down on us

wants to tell us something

like

"Grow up."

Or "Reach up."

Or "Look up and watch me winking.

I'm trying to talk to you."

[Interlude]

The earth is travelling at sixty-six thousand six hundred and forty one miles per hour around the sun.

It simultaneously rotates on itself at over one thousand miles per hour.

My Town?

It's having some trouble sleeping.

I forgot that there was pain like this.

I forgot.

I can't believe I forgot how bad this feels.

(I'm wide-eyed and shaking and I can't believe it, I can't believe it, I can't believe that I knew it all along. That I am nothing and that I have nothing and I can't believe how much it hurts. I forgot. I forgot how much I need her. Just need her, and I have been trying to tell myself that I don't that we are okay just talking now and then. I have let myself get pulled along by Bridgett's jealousy and I have tried to pull away from you, Sam, because I was afraid of this and I can't even believe that-)

I have nothing.

I have nothing.

No substance and nothing but memories of the friends that are more precious to me than anything and I don't know what to do. My stomach hurts so badly and-

(My heart. My heart is breaking.)

I don't know what to do.

I don't know what to do because I forgot that anything could hurt this badly and I don't know what to do because I don't know where I went where we went where you went, and why you can't be able-

I want you to be happy.

I want to do something so that we two, we three, can be happy, and I still refer to us when I am referring to me because I don't have anything without you and I only just realized that and I think it might be me smothering you with that idea and I don't know how to not do it or how to apologize to you or how to close me eyes because they are so wide and it hurts so bad and I don't know what to do. I do not know what to do and I don't want to talk about it but I want my soul back Sam, because I don't have it anymore and I don't know what to do.

I don't think you do either.

But I don't think I'm human enough to even talk to you, I think I'm too escapist to even be optimistic and I don't know what to do and I'm just sorry, maybe for existing. Probably for existing. I think I am the most pathetic waste of space and I don't know what to do and I'm so sorry I didn't recognize you saying it when you were saying it and I'm so sorry, and I should've listened and now I don't know what to do and I'm sorry, because I think this world is too small for someone of your caliber, and I think you know that, I think that's too sad. The kind of sad that is a man strapping a sheep into an arm brace on a boat like we saw in History today and I started crying again and I haven't cried in so long you have no idea and I think this is between you and I but I don't even know anymore and I just don't know what to do or what to say, Sam, because you are my best friend but I don't know if I have ever been yours and I think that might be for the best and I miss being any good with words.

I'm sorry.

I don't even know how to say that because there must be a way to communicate pain and sorrow and unconditional love at the same time but I can't think of any way to. I don't know what to do.

I'm not saying I want you to try and tell me what to do because I know you don't have time or energy to waste on that but I am so fucking self absorbed that I don't even know what to do anymore because I have become so shallow that it's broken something in me to interact with anything real and I just don't even know how to live anymore because I can't get past it and I miss you but I don't know where the distance came from so I don't know how to cross it.

I don't ever know how to say I miss you because until know I never understood how far away we have become.

I don't think I have ever cried so hard in my life and it hurts so badly.

I am inches tall and the sky looks down on me and I am not growing up I am growing down, down quickly, and I miss my ability to recognize anything real or valuable, and I think you know that.

Sam, you are by far the smartest person I know.

Thankyou.

I am proud to say I just read 'Icha Icha' as 'Itachi Uchiha', and was getting mad about the Americanization.

...need an eye appointment laihk WHOA.

(Do they check your eyes during physicals...?)


MORGAN;

ME LOVE YOU LONG TIME.

SRSLY CONTEMPLATING GIVING YOU HOME PHONE NUMBER DUE TO LONG-TIME COMPUTER CRISIS OF THE CENTURY. IF THIS SOUNDS LIKE AN EVEN SEMI-DECENT IDEA...YEAH. UH. COMMENT. LIKE WHUT.


FUJI;

I'M SO ITASHI DEPRIVED.

LOVE LOVVVE.


SEKI;

I HATE YOU. HAND SHISUI'S ASS OVER NOW OR DIE A SLOW, PAINFUL DEATH MEANT FOR YONDAIME WHO WOULD PROBABLY AVOID IT SOMEHOW ANYWAY.


WHEEEEEEE CAPS LOCKKKKKKK TIMMMMMMMMME.

ELOQUENT WHY MUST YOU MAKE ME WANT TO RIP MY INTESTINES OUT AND THROW THEM AT SOMEONNNNNE.

The art teacher (the new one, not the old one who I actually liked) seems to have dropped off the earth unexpectedly, and so the vice principal not the nice, Indian lady, but the dickhole who keeps grabbing for my iPod and I'm like "WHAT THE FUCKING HELL ARE YOU DOING, GET YOUR MOTHERFUCKING FILTHY HANDS AWAY FROM MY MOTHERFUCKING IPOD YOU MOTHERFUCKING BITCH." I mean, that's the look I give. I haven't said it yet, ('yet' being the keyword there) and he had to let us in with his big, jangling ring of keys, and I wish it had been one of the janitors. Maybe that black one with the name I think start with a D - or Nikki. (I like Nikki. She's sweet. I'm still a little mad about the whole track incedent but that doesn't have too much to do with her. ENFORCES THE RULES DOESN'T MAKE THEMMMM.) At any rate, he let us in and was here for about sixty seconds and then he left WHICH WAS A RELIEF.

Kate says I have real issues with authority figures.

I've got to say that there has never been a more accurate thing said about me.

The sub that came has a strange accent that isn't hard to understand so much as it is intrigueing and I wish I recognized and knew what it's origins were, but I don't, which is mildly disappointing. I'd ask but I don't know how to describe it. I don't think it's Asian, but it could be Middle Eastern. Or Russian. Maybe something like that. I like it. It's very comforting in and of itself. Far better than her's - her name is Miss Stiles, or something, and I can't admit to liking her much at all, which I think is a pity since I liked Ms. Mandell so much.

I really hope she's okay. (The pictures of her son are all around the room, and they've always interested me but in a very morbid way, like I could somehow feel some dark nostalgia surrending each and every one of them, and I like to stare into his face and at his chest and- wonder what was crushed first. I wonder about Ms. Mandell. Miss her. Hope she's doing alright. Because she can't have deserved it. It strikes me that I look at the family photo, now, that occupies her now unoccupied desk, and I wonder how things could have- come out so tragically. And I do hope she's doing alright and that someday her husband won't be so unhappy, or in so much pain, and I won't say I understand, because I don't, and if it's offensive that the first thing I felt was pity and the second thing I felt was remorse and the third thing the strongest thing I felt was pure intrigue, then I won't say it, but I probably wouldn't anyway. That's just the way these sorts of things work out.)

I would also like to state, for the record, that things are getting worse, not better, but I want even less now to talk about it, because it's not helping to talk about it. I'm paying someone ninety dollars to talk to me about it once a week, and I'm going to call Patsy as soon as I can (as soon as my cell phone is charged, because I haven't called Patsy in so long and I couldn't tell you why, because I know Patsy always makes it better. Always. And I miss her so much.) I'd actually really like to pointedly avoid talking about anything real unless it has to do with your life, because I need to become more absorbed in your guys' problems, because I hate being absorbed in my own. I really do. I hate it. (I show all signs of depression that they say to look for and I can't tell you how angry that makes me. I want to kill something. I want to kill something.)

So, I guess I have a checklist for the weekend, because I'm not going to take the PSAT, I'm not, because I took it last year and I don't even know what scores I got, and besides, who wants to waste their motherfucking Saturday, one they've waited six motherfucking days for, on a test? I'm going to pass it anyway. I'm going to pass it with motherfucking flying colors, and everybody knows that. I'm in a fucking program full of people that everyone knows is like that.

Duh.

And Jahaila can't come over on Friday because she has to watch Malik, and I don't know why she suggested Friday if she already fucking knew that, and I don't understand myself her at all, which I think is a pity, and if she was just using me to get away from her responsibilities I'm going to motherfucking punch something, I swear to fucking God.

I do not plan on getting off of this computer or finishing this entry until the period is over. HA HA HA FUCK YOU WORLD I MOTHERFUCKING HATE YOU AND MOTHERFUCKING PANSY ASS.

...Fuji, I valiantly choose now to copy your "OMG LIST OF INFINITE LOVVVVVE" format because...itmakesmesmiletomyself. ... ... ... ...I HAVE BEEN NEGLECTFUL OF YOUR ENTRIES AND WILL POST COMMENTS GALORE WHEN I GET HOME ASSUMING I ACTUALLY HAVE SOMETHING TO SAY.

[ l i s t o f d o o m ]

- FINISH MIKOSASU LOG, YOU HO. FERRET. BOTHER ME UNTIL WE GET THIS DONE. SRSLY NOW.
- Work Iwa log.
- Get stabbed. (ItaSaso log.)
- Call Patsy.
- Finish first chapters of [ u n d e r t o n e s . . . o v e r l a p ]
- START TWELFTH CHAPTER OF NTW WTH HO WHY NO WRITING YET.
- Call Morgan? (I worry about that ankle.)
- ...wth new music. (-KILLS IPOD-)
- ...secret Oshima videos ftw THEY'LL NEVER KNOW WHUT HIT THEM.
- Ask around and find out if anyone has past the second chapter of the tenth volume of xxxHolic.
- Personal Project. HA HA YA RITE.
- Figure out what's up with Kate.
- ...to that effect: get bandages.
- BEAT THAT MOTHERFUCKING ORGANIZATION SLUT IN KHII. ANYONE HAVE ANY ADVICE FOR POUNDING THE SHIT OUT OF HIM.
- Change layout/avatars.
- Fold laundry.
- Figure out where the hell that new Naruto chapter is.
- Fan fic fan fic fan fic.
- Finish Lara Croft avatars. Start Yondaime set if possible.
- Find KHII groupies.
- Find xxxHolic posse. Kill them if they are dorks.
- Slay all available DoumekixWatanuki fangirls for corrupting me.
- Resist urge to slap Mom in the face.
- Go for a run you motherfucking fatass.
- Take the dog on a walk. (Insert insult here.)
- Stop eating. (You motherfucking fatass.)
- ...pants shopping...?
- Find a new fandom.
- Feed rats.

...and, of course, the relative goal is to disconnect as much as possible from life, which sounds REALLY GOOD right now, and the less I interact with anyone I actually have rl day-to-day interactions the better. Get the fuck away from me, no offense, plskthx.

...oh fuck.

We have Anime Kurabu today.

I completely forgot.

...I am so unfit as a President. Motherfucking Christ.

My hands sting like a motherfucking bitch, and there are holes in them - they got all ripped and torn when I was shoving stuff under my bed 'cleaning my room' and it really painful to use them now. And OF COURSE it's my right hand, because life could not bother to even make a decent attempt at being kind to me, and that's all there is to it, I guess. Pretty much everything hurts, as always. (Pounding headache, chest pains, backache. My heart. My heart hurts.) And I think that if we do anything more on LotF I will just about kill something because I motherfucking hate that book because it's fucking terrible, and Bridgett, you hate dolphins, and so we're even.

BAH.

I.

WANT.

A NEW.

LAYOUT.

Slash life.

...I could just about kill something.

End of story.

(Much love.)

Hello, all~

Lady Lamb here with some not so very important news - after more than six months deliberation, and a whole bunch of stress, toil, writer's block, and tears WAY TOO MANY OF THOSE the newest chapter of None the Wiser has been released to the public as of late yesterday night. On MeMi it even has the nice and shiney "*NEW!*" button at the top which makes my insides sparkle.

Title: None the Wiser
Author: The Uke Reformation (otherwise known on LJ as tsuzukinoai)
Genre: Naruto
Subgenre: Romance/Angst
Summary: There are some things not meant to be said. There are some pasts that you cannot escape. Some people that will always hunt you down. And every once in a while, there are special students that reward you for all your teaching... [NaruSasuNaru. Yaoi.]
Rated: R when viewed on FF.net, for excessive language, graphic violence, and sexual and mature content. Rated NC-17 on MeMi for all those things and more.
Author's Note: [On the series] It came to me in a dream. ...no, seriously. And I swear it doesn't suck. But that's what they all say, right? [On the chapter] TOOK FOREVER I KNOW AND I AM SORRY BUT C'MON WHATERYUH GUNNA DO WHEN YOU'RE THE FUCKING QUEEN OF WRITER'S BLOCK. (For those keeping the score at home, the last update was in May of last year - that's ten months, folks, a resounding ten months for a twenty-five page long update.)
Warnings: Yaoi and some really scary shit that I'm not going to tell you about just yet. (It hasn't happened yet. Won't for a while - HELLO FLASHBACKS I MISSED YOU.)

Disclaimer: Copyright the Uke Reformation, 2007. All rights reserved bitches.

Chapter is logged HERE (FF.net) and HERE (MeMi). There is no difference in the provided context. Reviews are MY LIFE'S BLOOD appreciated.

X-POSTED to chuunin, narutoyaoi, ntw_fanfiction, and this user's personal journal.

LA LA LA STILL DON'T HAVE MY COMPUTER BACK, LAIHK SRSLY WHUT THE FCUKING HELLZ MOM.

And up to volume six on xxxHolic OH HELLZ YES.

Well, for lack of anything better to say, it turns out Sam, Scarlett and I all feel like crap, which is nice. Scarlett feels remotely better. Which of course, makes me feel better. The unorthodox method is always the best YES IT IS. And of course the most typical. BUT HEY WHAT ELSE ARE WE GOOD FOR. (ENTERTAINMENT~)

I need better shoes.

Painted my nails in English class yesterday.

LOLZ. FUCK YOU MISS HALL YOU SUCK AT LIFE.

I don't actually have anything for Anime Kurabu today, but Chris told me he might bring something yesterday before Japanese, and I emplored him to, because with my computer priviledges gone I knew that there was no way I could burn the first ep. of Code Geass onto a DVD without getting caught, and THAT WOULD BE WAY LAMEO YES IT WOUUUULD~ And I think that Kumagai-sensei might be made about the shooting-in-the-headedness. And the kurabutachi might not like the fact that there are. Um. No subtitles. BUT I WAS FINE DESHOU.

...today is rally day because of TWIRP. God, fuck you life. I'm going to ask whether or not it's after school or not BECAUSE IF IT IS I AM NOT GOING HA HA YOU CAN'T MAKE ME. I still need to finish those fifteen pages for AVID. She told me I had to do them yesterday and I had two done so far and I was like "WHUT THE HELL WOMAN." It was not a great moment for the AVID kid who had yet to figure out that I am...what's that word? Oh. Yeah. Loud. I've been doing YonItaShi/Holic crossovers in my brain all week long and IT HURTS MY SOUL BUT AT THE SAME TIME IT IS VERY "WHEEEEE LET'S DO THAT SOME MORE."

Like Scarlett, I agree that it spells immediate crack.

BUT HEY WHAT ELSE IS LIFE GOOD FOR. NOT MUCH, GOD. NOT MUCH. YOU SHOULD WORK ON THAT.

(Fuji, Rin, Ferret, Morgan. I am seriously missing you guys.)

I'll have internet again this weekend.

BE ON FUJI. SRSLY.

...I hate Mac keyboards.

Srsly now.

All in all, I'm just debating with myself how long all this - by which I mean Mom's-crazy-ass-internet-strike - is going to go on, because it makes things very much Not Good not to all that much greater a degree than they were in the first place, but still. It needs to end soon if I'm not going to get desperate and actually go to Plan B, which is actually starting to sound like my Best Option, which sucks some major ass. We're going to need to get as much done as possible this weekend, which means I need you guys to be on. Seriously. Because I love and miss you guys quite a lot.

I just...I'm really not good right now.

Just all in all.

So...yeah.

Don't have much else to say.






Bummer.

Mom is being an asshole.

Laihk srsly. Teh worst asshole EVAR.

I mean rly now. I'm stopping, I'm stopping, I swear.

BETAs are being really really slow at getting back to me with news on the chapter which would almost be aggravating if it wasn't my fault entirely, and I'm getting antsy about the whole computer situation (The Mikoto-Oshima situation specifically, the Sasori-Itachi "LEMME RIP YOU A NEW ONE FEST", Iwa New Year's Party, and MikoSasu New Year's Party being thus far unfinished and distressing.) Mom isn't letting me on and I seriosly need to be which is bothering me. (Because YOU ALL KNOW THAT I'M ON WHEN THE REST OF YOU AREN'T AND IT IS SERIOUSLY LIKE "WTFH".)

Once again, I'm being forced to update from school because of everything that's going on at home, and I'm going to switch to Plan B if needbe. ...and 'needbe' is looking like it's very possibly going to happen. (It would mean locked entries where we finish out the roleplays that way, yeah. Which I kind of would like to um. NOT DO. So Mom, stop being an asshole bitch kthxbai.)

Ran away from home on Sunday.

WHICH I TOLD NO ONE.

HA HA.

Sucks to be me. ALLOW ME TO WALLOW IN SELF DOUBT AND SELF PITY NOW~

-twirls-

I shouldn't have started reading xxxHolic because now I'm starting to go YukoWata!crazy because it's like "ZOMG YUKO SEDUCE THAT BOY PLS." It's pretty crazy. (Meghan is being really sweet and getting them to me on a really consistent basis, which is really nice of her, I think.) NEW OBSESSION NO EW WHY BUT YAYYYYY YUKOOOOO. Ignore the fact that my brain promptly introduced YonItaShi as a nice crossover fic option. Because seriously that made me feel like the biggest dork in the history of the world. FUJI, RIN, WHAT HAVE YOU DONE.

All in all, I'm just kind of miserable and I want to talk to you guys because you just. You're very cool and I love you. Muchly.

Bridgett, I hate it when I feel like-

My head feels like it's filled with those little beady-eyed monsters from the Nicorette commercials. You know? The little black ones who scream horrendously and bash repeatedly into the walls of that guy's brain.

Caitlyn didn't let any of us sleep.

I was so pissed.

(It's my first all nighter. The sunrise was beautiful.)

I just put her and Hayley to bed.

Deanna's the only one still up.

Austie's the only one who got a whole night's sleep.

(I'm glad for that much. I know she'll be alright, at least.)

It's Saturday today.

(Thank God for small favors.)

It really kills me to just sit around and wait for things to happen. Kills me. (Slowly and painfully. Like rat poison.) Of course, it really wouldn't be such a deal if it hadn't taken me so fucking long to type up the chapters, and people can't help their circumstances - I still have no idea why we're getting this week off. It really makes no sense. But it really doesn't change the fact that since I do and no one else does, it's incredibly boring.

(Thank God for Hayley.)

In case no one knew (I'm pretty sure everyone knew?) I'm hanging out with her and have been all week long. I think they're the only other school who gets this week off with us. We stayed in a hotel downtown on Monday and Tuesday to see Stage 2 of the Tour of California, which was awesome. (We got to scream really loud and everyone we were screaming at had a very nice ass.) J J Haedo won, and it was just...it was really great to watch, since we were hang out by the finish line. Very worth the two hour wait~

We hung out a day longer and beat Tomb Raider: Legend, which was a lot of fun. LARA CROFT LET ME HAVE YOUR BABIES. It makes it really hard to play other video games now (which is sad since video gaming encompasses a lot of what Hayley and I do together...what can I say? She's really fun to play with,) because I keep pressing buttons for the grapple, and expecting Jak to whip out dual pistols and start flipping. LARA I LOVE YOUUUUU. Anybody who's into the game, quick question: What the hell is Anniversary and why does it not build off of Legend's cliffhanger? WHAT GAME IS GOING TO DO THAT BECAUSE I WILL BUY IT. SNAP IT UP RIGHT QUICK.

Then she went back to Morgan Hill and Sydney and I lay around all day - and when I say lay around all day, I mean Mom and I yelled and screamed at each other and Syd stayed in her room and avoided us. It was...uh. Would say fun. BUT THAT WOULD BE LYING AND THAT'S BA~AD. All in all we just decided - she decided 'something had to be done about the computer' and my 'obsessive addiction' to it. And it was kind of like a "...um. Yeah. Fuck you." moment. Only...less of a moment and more of a twenty-four hour type thing.

She's gotten all "MUST REIGN YOU IN" again and it's pissing me off.

Anyway, we decided not to decide anything just yet and instead went to Morgan Hill on extended invitation to a birthday party that's happening tonight, which I think was a pretty good idea because it keeps me on the computer just that much longer. (HA HA. WHAT A SELFISH LITTLE BITCH I AM.)

And, of course, even if I know nothing about any of Hayley's friends, they're pretty cool. (And Hayley? God I love Hayley.)

We've just been hanging out and it's been nice. I guess I'm just getting majorly nervous about school's imminent return. I'm just- I'm antsy. I am really antsy and trying to cling to every single second as it passes because...

I am honestly scared to go back to school.

Really truly.

So...yeah.

I haven't really been thinking about anything serious.

I've pretty much been thinking about-

Yeah. RIN AND FUJI, YOU KNOW. I've been just going off of angrybitterehmigahd!Itachi. IT HAS MADE ME MISS YOU BOTH QUITE ALOT. I want to roleplay so badly, just...I don't know. It's a great outlet. I almost want to go all the way to the beginning but we would need specific details that we don't have yet so...

I'm stuck fantasizing.

(We need a FST. Srsly now.)

I just really hope everyone's okay.

Cuz I'm not sure if I am.

IT'S DONE. HOLY GOD, IT'S DONE. MOMMY'S ALRIGHT, DADDY'S ALRIGHT, THEY JUST SEEM A LITTLE WEEEEEEEEIRD.

There is no font big enough to express my inherent joy.

DOWNLOAD THE UN-BETA'D VERSION HERE.